"Safe Have" PJ Response

Words Left Unsaid

(#SafeHaven Response)

I know that this is really uncalled for, but since Yen started all of this, maybe it is time for me to speak up and let my voice be heard too. This is not intended to create any chaos between parties nor uphold hatred. My only intention is to clarify everything and let Yen know of all the things I chose to kept within myself for all these years. Just to let you all know, I have high respect for both of them, DG and Yen, and everything that I am going to share now are all part from our past and it gets nothing to do with our current life. This may also serve as lesson to some. 

Let me say, Yen was my greatest lesson. I mean, our failed relationship was my greatest mistake and I have learned a lot from it. One of it was, if I failed once at life, the rest will change and no matter how hard I try to bring it back to its original disposition, I just can't. It will always like a domino effect, one will fall after another and another and the next thing I know I have nothing else left. So it is always better to be sensible of our actions because once the damage has been done, no amount of sorry will going to undone it.

Everything was great between me and Yen not until Cath came along. I didn't have any idea that she's back from states and was there at home. I only found out when I arrived home and saw her having small talk with my mom and my sis. I won't deny that I loved her before and I was too obsessed on keeping her beside me back then. But everything has changed. At that time, I was not inlove with her anymore. I never felt any spark nor excitement upon seeing her. Yes, she looks great, but her presence did not affects me the same way when we were teenagers. Maybe because, I have Yen as the center of my attention at that time.  

As courtesy, my parents asked me to send her to her unit since she doesn't have a car and it was late for her to go home alone and so I did. I drove her straight to her unit. When we have reached there, she asked me if I could come in and have a short talked with her. I refused to, given that I was tired from work. However, she insisted and really want to talk to me about our past because for her, she deserves a closure and so as I, so we get inside and talked. She then prepared a glass of wine for us and she insisted to have me drink it, and I did, after all, it was just a glass. I'm sure she mixed some drug on it or whatever it was that drives me insane. A normal wine won't lost me from my senses, but it was the other way around. I felt a sudden arousal and strong desire for sex which was so strange for me considering how I've managed to control myself when I have Yen around. She seduced me. She initiated a kiss and everything that follows. I woke up at dawn realizing what I've done. We had sex. I automatically get up from bed and hurriedly wore my clothes. Cath woke up too and tried to stop me, and begged for me not to go, but I emphasized to her what my current status was and that I love Yen and would only marry Yen. I have told her that what happened between the two of us was just plain sex and no feelings involve anymore. That everything was not intended to happen. I felt sorry for letting her feel unworthy, but I can't lie to her and be with her when all I really wanted was Yen. I went back home with a heavy heart. I carried the guilt all the way. That was the first time I committed a mistake within my relationship with Yen and I never thought it would be the only mistake that will eventually tore us apart.

When Cath informed me about her pregnancy, I was taken aback. That was really out of my plan, and at that time, Yen was still working overseas, and was about to come back home for our wedding. I was troubled with the sudden news and I really don't want Yen to know about it. Given that she's not home yet and it may cause her so much pain, and she got no one else to hold on to because she was too far from her family. I begged for Cath's silence. However, the latter was really eager to destroy the relationship I had with Yen and was driven with so much obsession. She informed Yen's mom regarding on it and just like me, auntie ask for her silence too. 

When Yen came home, we hurriedly contacted all the people that will provide services to get our wedding done. I didn't want to spoil her excitement and I can't find to best time to tell her about Cath's pregnancy. Until that day came when Cath showed up herself at the cakes and pastries shop. I was caught off guard. That was my judgment day. I completely lost Yen. I wasn't given a single chance to be heard. She was so firm with her decision and in just a snap of a finger, my world turned upside down. I know I hurt her so bad and I was the only one to be blamed for. If only I could turn back time, I should've came back home right after I sent Cath to her unit, but there's no such thing as time machine. What's done is done, and I only need to incur the wrath of my beloved fiancée. When she distance herself from me, each day seems like a calvary. I didn't have any idea on how or where to start. I looked for her in places and ask her parents with her current state, but then as what she have mentioned in her story, she went straight to the island far from her home and where she got the chance to meet DG. 

The next thing happened was the loss of her grandmother who was very dear to both of us. Everything was completely overwhelming. The world that I built for over the years crashed right before my eyes. I lost my people. I did everything so she can forgive me or at least give our love a second chance but she refused to. Instead, she set me free. That was the hardest and the most painful part when she decided to let me go. Asking me to marry Cath for the sake of the child was completely out of proportion. Marriage with the absence of love is suffocating. Marriage for the sake of the child is nothing but misery. It is not being selfish but it is getting in touch with reality. Letting your child witness the unpleasant treatment between you two will eventually lead to a mental distress. Yen wasn't able to figure it out, and the compassion she have over the child weighed more than our relationship. She chose to let me go.

As what she asked me to do, I welcomed Cath into our house until she delivered the baby. It appears that the child was not mine. It doesn't show any single hereditary traits that matches to me. Even my family feels the same way to the child too. At first, I set aside the thought because it wasn't good for Cath's condition to be confronted with such idea. More so Cath's behavior get even worst. Her toxicity towards everything and everyone drained the positivity at home. Until the day I asked Cath to undergo a DNA testing but she refused to have it done. She reacted hysterically and fight me instead, and decided to leave our house without giving me any rights to the child. I asked her for an arrangement for the child's custody but she was so hasty in leaving the country. I was left with a thought that maybe I was right all along. That aside from me, she had sex with some other guy who could make her pregnant and then had a sex with me to justify that the child was mine. That she only used the child to completely ruin the relationship I had with Yen and she succeeded.

Days, weeks, months and even years has gone by. I kept coming back to places where me and yen shared our love. I kept visiting the grave of her grandmother, waiting for the chance to finally have our paths cross again. I asked her relatives with regards to her whereabouts and they have told me she was studying medicine in metro but they refused to give me her address nor the name of her school. 

When I saw her at the mall, I felt very uneasy. Something inside urges me to hug her tight and let her feel how much I've missed her. I have longed for that day to finally see her again, and supposed to ask her for another chance with our love, however I lost all my courage when she casually said "hi" without any trace of bitterness from our past. She has moved on. She looks unusual from the way she used to. She were more alive and inspired. She glow up differently. More mature, confident , and attractive. Far better from the innocent Yen that I used to know. When she told me that she is in a relationship with someone for more than two years, that deeply wounded me. Looking through her eyes that expresses so much enthusiasm about her boyfriend made me feel inferior. I completely lost her. I broke her that's why she found someone who managed to put back all the broken pieces. I don't know how I was able to carry myself and acted as if I was not affected at all even if deep in heart there was an excruciating pain. Maybe, I was just so good at composing myself despite the opposite feeling I have inside.

They said, when you really love someone, you gotta learn to them go and that is what I did. I let her go. There's no reason for me to open up myself and tell her I still want another chance because the way she smiled and talked about her new one, it seems that she finally found the right one for her and those thoughts hurts me even more. Yes, I lied when I told her I have a girlfriend at that time too. I was in denial about my current state; about how unpleasant my life after she left me. About how all my future plans shattered into pieces because she chose to let me go instead of fighting for our love. It was all my fault. I was the only one to be blame for. I chose not to open up to her about Cath and the child because I no longer want her to carry the guilt. I don't want to see myself doing the things that Cath have done to me and Yen. I don't want to let my emotions takes over me and become manipulative to people and ruin someone else's happiness. It was ok for me that I will suffer on my own rather than drag Yen to my misery, because for me, that was love. I will support her with her happiness even if I was not included on it. And that was one of the best decision I made in my life, and I was rewarded with it.

I've met Aica while I was in the process of healing. She understands where I was coming from. She helped me get through it and she eventually added colors into my life. She redirected my life and made me realized that it was never too late to start over. She made me realize that the past Is over and gone. What was more interesting was that, she happened to be DG's cousin. What a small world indeed. 

Recently, Cath finally confirmed to me that I was not the father of her child. She asked for an apology. She told me she was sorry for all of the things she has done to me and Yen, but as what I have said, no amount of sorry will going to undo the mess that has happened. We can only learn from it. 

My point here is that, no matter what breakdowns you have been through or that is going on with your life, never forget that there is still hope. No matter how many hardships, failures or struggles in family and relationship you are facing, or worst, people no longer want to take part of your life, always remember that it is not the end of your life yet. There is a lot more that life can offer for you. There are still the best that awaits for you. Although it not something that you can acquire overnight. It is something that you need to work on to. You only need to let go of the rope that keeps on dragging you down. Instead of focusing to those close doors, all you need to do is turn around and open your arms and warmly welcome the new opportunities that is coming into your life. Carry on.

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That’s why we call it THE PRESENT" – Eleanor Roosevelt

Paul🏳️