“A reply to Maria C.”
FULL STORY
http://www.confessionsstories.com/2021/12/to-guys-i-love-before.html
Hi how are you? I am still shocked, after my close friend told me about your letter, I didn't expect to hear from you again. He even told me to read it for myself. For days my mind was clouded with the thoughts of you. I don't know but I'm scared, I'm scared to read it, I'm so scared to read it because up until now my conscience still linger for all I did wrong to you. It takes me a lot of time to think, it takes two days for me actually. I was still doubtful if the letter is really from you. But my friend is so sure that it is you, somehow he knows what happened to us.
C after I've read the two letters I was hystericaly crying. After those years you still remember me? You're still good in composing letters. Without a doubt I know it is you, every words in that letters hurt me deep that even the smallest bone and veins in my body aches. You are still the thoughtful, smart and kindest girl I've known. Still forgiving. I know I've caused you so much damaged. I can't even forgive myself. Up until now the memories, our memories still hunts me, be it good and bad. The bad memories hunts me a lot so does the good.
I wanted to talked to you before. After I realized I was too much. I broke up with her after months. She doesn't deserve me too. The feelings was all too mixed that I can't identify which one was true and which one was consoling.
Akong mga binuhatan, double ang nabalik nako. Karma really lingers to me, it stung me so much. I feel like I poisoned myself with my own wrongs. To be honest I don't know, naunsa ko ato nga time nga nagkakita na. I've always tell myself if ma akoa ka di na tka buhian. Cause you are so much more precious than you think. There's just something about you I can't explain. For me you are an extraordinary girl. But somehow I feel threatened. Because I saw you grow, you are so good in your chosen career and me was only a disappointment. Mommy really adores you. She really likes you to a point nga she pressured me to be like you. She told me I should level your standard and that I should be as successful as you. I was so devastated with all her words, always comparing me to you. Sakit kaayo sa dunggan most especially sakit kaayo sa dughan.
I lost it, I love you, but as time goes by I see you as a competition. I don't know pero I'm kinda jealous. Everytime I saw you and Mommy, so close. Sometimes maka feel ko nga ang makita ra ni mommy nga sakto nakong nabuhat kay ikaw. Feels like she is more than happy with your presence than mine. She more appreciates you than me. And of all the people, you know, that my mother means so much to me. Drown myself to please her, I pursue you. I pursue you not because she likes you but also I love you. It's like hitting two birds in one stone. I love you but I love my mommy more.
You are my strength in times of my weakness. My source of positivity when I am fully consumed by negativity. My confidant and my anchor. As time goes by with you, I've learned that I really treasured you not because my mother want me to but because I want you to be part of my future. I was so disappointed in myself why I see you as a competition when you did nothing wrong to me, but to take care of me, to love me and to give me assurance that I am more than worth it than I think I am.
But it was too late. I was eaten by my insecurities. I was too hard to you, I was too afraid that you'll not end up with me. That you'll find someone better than me. That you are too good to be for me. I showered you with all the hurtful words I could utter just to lessen your confidence and for you to doubt yourself. I so envy you to the point that I hate all your wit's and guts. I hate how you gain friends and how you get more guys attracted to you. I was so sure that one move you'll realize I was toxic and unhealthy that I also drag you down with me. I told you I want you to spend all your time with me. I make all your friends hate you so that no one's left but me. My crippling anxiety fathom me.
I saw you being miserable. I saw you losing interest in everything you do and love. And for that I found comfort and safe. You move in with me. I jailed you with everything I thought was love. I thought it was love. You grew apart from your family, your relationship with them hung on by a thread. Even though you have nothing but me you still look at me with so much love and positivity, you still genuinely smile at me and do the house chores with passion. And I hate it, I hate it because your face and your eyes says the other way around. I shouted you curses and telling you, you look fat with your clothes and that you are not beautiful enough. Later at night I just saw you silently crying and hear your silent sobs. That's when it hit me. It hit me with what ifs, what if you'll decide to leave me and end it for us.
Later that morning I gave you flowers just assuring you I love you. I really love you. I just don't know how. That's the love i know. I know nothing in this world but you, only you. You thought me a lot about life. But I guess I am really a dumb student because I didn't learned much from you. Gihimo tikang kalibutan, nimo rako nagtuyok. Ikaw ra ang hinongdan sa tanan nakong na reach nga goals. Until you gave up on me. You leave me. I was so broken so I gave my attention to girls lain2 babae until naa koy nakaila. Nakita tka niya. She is patient on me too.
Everyday I'm with her I told her everything about you, everything. She's a good listener. It's a relief for me, someone listens and someone understand me just like you. I am so blinded and selfish that I hurt her feelings too. That she hated you because you chose to leave me. I'm sorry Maria, I am so sorry. She hated you because all I tell her was all about our good memories, I was so longing for it that I forget to mention all the bad memories I gave you. So with all fair and honesty for her, I let her go. Because I know I was never healthy for anyone. Even so unhealthy for myself.
After all what happened I am living my life trying to fix myself and to see good things in life. I reached out to you and to your family telling them how sorry I am for causing you a fortune of pain. But what they told me shattered my whole being.
You shut all the people around you. But I never heard them blaming me. They are as good as you, you are all too good for me. You were never in good condition but is always spacing out. You've been into depression and anxiety that you have to see your psychiatric doctor once in a while. You were never the same old girl I've known. Gone is the girl I've known as outgoing, positive and smart. I was so devastated and my conscience is eating all what is left in me. Nihangyo ko sa imong mama, I wanted to see you so bad. So they let me, I was about to come in to your room when your brother shouted for help and at that moment I was rooted to the floor and I can't even move, all the blood in my face drained. You're trying to kill yourself. You cut your wrist, the blood on your bed was dripping on the floor.
Since that day I can't blame myself more. To the whirlwind of abuse I make you feel. I've never hurt you physically but I hurt you emotionally, I was so inhumane. That's when it hit me. I lost you. I lost you forever.
Things change, I wanted to leave the place where it all reminds me of you. The day before I left pH was the day I'd say goodbye to you. I always wanted to talk to you. I wanted to say sorry for everything but I guess sometimes having no closure is the closure. The first few months here in a foreign country is hard, I still miss you everyday as much as I miss my mom. That same day my mom said sorry to me. She is sorry because she just wanted what's the best for me and that was you. Well bogo rajud siguro kaayo ko to understand you both. You and mommy taught me everything good in life and I sure do the other way around.
After a year, mommy died. That was the day that I die again, first was when I lost you. I was merely alive but not living. Two wonderful and precious woman in my life. I both lost them. Nevertheless with all that happened I am still thankful for you both taught me so much about life.
I just want to tell you that it's not you're job to fix me. It's not your responsibility to make me okay. It's not your fault if our relationship didn't work out. It's not your obligation to stay with me and it's not your duty to make me feel love. I want you to stop blaming yourself for being not enough because you are way more than enough. And yes you don't deserve me, you deserve all the best thing the world could give, you supposed to be treasured and not abuse. I'll be forever regretful for you take a big place in my heart. I'll never be the same. I wanted to tell you how much I missed you but I don't have the right to feel it. I don't have any right.
I am so sorry Maria C. I am happy for you. For your recovery, for your healing. I know God has all the reason for everything. All I know now is that God used you as an instrument for me to know him. I don't know how to end this. But it's a relief for me, knowing your forgiveness. I am also free now.
But before I end this, I re-read our old messages and yes I still keep it. You once told me that:
"When you are in love, you tend not to see the bad side of someone. That's the pathetic part about being in love. Sometimes even the worst person in the world can be the best person for your own belief. Love is not blind, it sees, but it doesn't mind."
I am still in awe and proud that once upon a time you love me, despite of the beast I am.
Forever regretting and sorry,
-Tope
No comments:
Post a Comment